Eyes closed.

The darkness is better.
It allows her to pretend that she’s alone,
That she’s okay,
If only for a little while.

Her hands tremble as she holds her skirt in her hands.
Crouched in a corner, she lets out a few little whimpers,
A few little tears.
This isn’t what she wanted.

She never thought it’d come to this.

She doesn’t open her eyes because she knows she’ll see it.
She can already smell the cold November air coming through the broken window,
Hitting her skin with its frozen fangs.
She doesn’t reach up to rub her arms.
She remains still.

She can feel the frost on her lips,
As if it’s bending over and kissing her.
She remembers pushing him away,
And wonders if his kiss would be warmer than the one she’s receiving now.
She pushes the thought out of her head, almost as quickly as she rid herself of him.
He’s no longer the problem.

She can hear the wind blowing the snow inside.
She can feel it dancing around her head.
There’s the longing of a little girl in her heart,
Wanting to stand up and dance around in that snow,
To put her palms to the sky and laugh with her soul.

She will not surrender to her.
That is not who she is anymore.

She cries harder because she knows that she doesn’t deserve this.
She doesn’t deserve the snow, she doesn’t deserve the sunlight.
She doesn’t deserve anything.

She hates herself.
She refuses help and she refuses love because she doesn’t want to be okay.
She doesn’t deserve that, either.

Sometimes she wonders what it would be like to surrender to the little voice inside her head
Saying, “You’ll be okay. Just try.”
But how could she surrender?
How could she give in and let things be okay
When she ruined things for so many others?

She’s just a disappointment.

But as the voice in her head grows louder and louder until she's tempted to stand
And run to the broken window and throw herself out,
Her eyes, shut tight, relax a little bit.
More tears flow down her cheeks, now free,
And she notices some light in the darkness.

Maybe just a little look...

Slowly, afraid, she opens her eyes so that they're just little slits.
She can see her eyelashes, frozen and dark, and between them, she sees the broken glass,
Littered all over the floor.
Her mind comes up blank when she tries to remember how this happened.
She just feels the usual fear.

She opens her eyes a little bit more,
Just to see.
It's as if she's dipping her toes into that freezing cold water, just to get a sense of what she's jumping into,
Or tasting something she knows she dislikes, just to see if she's changed her mind.
She's hesitant, but curious.

She can see the outside light, dancing off the broken shards,
Jagged but beautiful.
She can see the snow on the floor,
And the snow blowing in from outside.
These stone walls, which she often used as her only support,
Now feel like a dungeon to her.

It takes her a moment, but she does stand.
Her legs ache after being cramped up for so long.
She's weak and frail, and her skin seems to blend in with the snow,
But she walks across the floor with utter determination.
The glass crunches beneath her shoes with every

Careful

                 Step.

She stands with her legs against the wall, looking out of the open space that once held the glass
That held her back.

That kept her in.

Her heart beats as if it has a hummingbird's wings in her chest
And she's sure the whole world can hear it.
She closes her eyes and let's her breath escape slowly from her lips,
Mingling with the snow and making friends with the wind.

Is this what it's like to surrender?

She looks out at the view in front of her.
She sees the stone church, it's bell tolling in the tower.
People walking below, carrying parcels and holding the hands of their children.
She sees the tree-tops covered in snow.

She closes her eyes...again.

It's too much to take in at once.
But already she feels different.
She can't say "better" because she doesn't know what that feels like.

After dying for so long in the dark, she feels fortunate to be standing in the light.
Maybe it was right there the whole time.
She just had to surrender.

And now her beautiful, white flag blankets everything until the horizon.

She opens her eyes, smiles for the first time in months.

It's okay, the wind whispers.

She nods.
She knows it will be.